Here’s an essay I posted for Paul Scheer’s L O S T blog over at DamonCarltonAndAPolarBear.com! Enjoy!
PHAT ALPERT
There has been a lot of speculation in regard to the TV program Lost – why are the passengers of Oceanic 815 trapped on the island? What does the island represent? And most importantly, does Nestor Carbonell, who plays Richard Alpert, really have to wear THAT much guyliner?
But to focus on that is ignoring a far more pressing fashion issue – for what possible reason did Richard Alpert grow his hair down to his shoulders in 1973?
We’ve only seen him sporting this peculiar hairstyle once – when he appeared to a young Ben for the first time in the jungle. In the years preceding and following, his hair is as short as the shelf-life of Cane. And although he appears to be an ageless immortal, apparently even Mr. Alpert is not immune to chasing the whims of his follicle fancy.
What could have been going on with Richard this particular year? Let’s examine some possibilities:
- He needed to take some time to “find himself.” A man running around the jungle alone looking for little boys suggests a personality in crisis. Did the stress of whatever happened (happened) with Charles Widmore cause him to reexamine his life? Do the Others actually allow one to go on sabbatical?
- He was trying to impress a girl. Who among us hasn’t attempted a curious fashion choice because they thought it would get someone’s attention? When I was sixteen, Pretty in Pink came out, and I thought the brooch Molly Ringwald wore over her top shirt button could possibly be unisex. I wore my mother’s to school the next day and became the laughingstock of Cypress High.
- He was just getting in to the “hippie” movement. Yes, 1973 is a little late to the party. But perhaps the Dharma Initiative’s rudimentary computers had JUST started broadcasting snippets of Hair, Easy Rider, or even The Monkees’ Head? Certainly the concept of free love would be appealing to a man trapped on an island with limited choices for partners.
- He needed to hide his shoulders. I have a “hunch” this is the real answer: Sleeping in tents for perhaps hundreds of years may have caused a curvature of Mr. Alpert’s upper spine – in other words, a hunchback. One can only imagine the embarrassment this could have caused Richard when it came to the other Hostiles. So why not grow the ‘do out and LOOK COOL while taking a year to undergo physical therapy?
- It was Halloween. Just because they’re Others doesn’t mean they can’t have a little fun. Maybe Mr. Alpert dusted off his old Black Rock pirate outfit and went Trick or Treating over at the Dharma Initiative? Watch out for those razor blades in the Dharma Apples™, Richard!
In short (pun intended, ha ha!), certainly SOMETHING was happening that year with Richard. And while Mr. Lindelof & Mr. Cuse have suggested that they will answer every “important” question in regards to our Losties, may I use this public forum to remind them THERE IS NO MORE IMPORTANT QUESTION THAN THIS.
If they need to add one more episode in Season 6 just to cover this, surely no Lost fan would argue? Flashbacks, Flash Forwards – whatever it takes. Terry O’Quinn & Swoosie Kurtz aren’t the only “Lockes” we care about! Just ‘DO it, Darlton, PLEASE!
